Wednesday, June 23, 2010

fun on ebay!

like many people, i'm in the middle of an ongoing project to reduce the clutter in my apartment. if i were a genuinely good guy, i'd probably donate to some charity, but i'm kind of a dick. plus i'm poor, so to heck with that anyway. charity begins at home.

ebay offers 100 free auction listings per month to anybody who wants to list items with a start price of less than one dollar. since i sell most of my good merchandise on other sites (glyde and amazon), ebay's 99 cent special is one way for me to get rid of stuff that isn't worth much elsewhere.

if you've ever bought anything on ebay you're familiar with their feedback system. you get to give detailed ratings whenever you purchase something, based on how accurate the description of the item was compared to what you actually received, how quickly it was shipped, how reasonable the shipping charges were, etc etc. and if you sell things you also get to leave feedback about your customers, though it's not nearly as specific as what they can leave for you. which is too bad, because i'd really like to warn other sellers about some of the whiny schmucks lurking around out there. as a seller one would probably be expected to leave feedback for a customer as soon as they pay, but this is actually a bad idea. the first week i sold a bunch of 99 cent stuff on ebay i was so happy that i immediately gave positive feedback to everybody who paid promptly. big mistake. that first batch of jimokes who bought from me and knew i'd already given them positive feedback turned out to be the nitpicking-est bunch of assholes on the planet when the time came to enter feedback about me. i learned my lesson though. as a shopper on ebay i'd certainly noticed that sellers as a rule generally don't give feedback until you've given them feedback first. i found out why. but i'm not as stupid as i look (that would be pretty much impossible) so i resolved not to repeat the mistake i'd made.

and the next week when i sold a bunch more stuff, i held off on the feedback, with the expected results. people were suddenly a lot less free with the carping and whining. which suggests that there was nothing much to carp about in the first place, but most folk'll take any opportunity that presents itself to treat somebody else like shit if they think they can get away with it.

this brings us to the point of today's post: my run-in with a rather demanding customer on ebay. i'm not going to print his real username here, so for this post he becomes 'dragonwheelz'. and i'll be 'sellmeister'.

'dragonwheelz' is a classic idiot. he buys a cd off me for 1.11 and thinks that i owe him my life. yes douche, thanks to your measly dollar and change i can enjoy name brand dog food tonight instead of generic. bless you, kind sir. ass-for-brains wins his auction, pays 4 hours later and then, in a note included with payment asks that the cd be shipped soon as possible AND for his (he assumes) positive feedback. oh, really?

Dear dragonwheelz,

Just got back from the PO and they close at 4pm, so your package won't be shipped until Monday. As for feedback, I'll leave yours after you leave mine. That's generally how it works around here.

that's pretty polite, under the circumstances. it's a friggin' 1 dollar cd. the guy's lucky i even bothered to answer his dumb letter. at least that's the way i saw it. it'll come as no surprise to you that 'dragonwheelz' didn't see it that way.

Dear sellmeister,

No, that is not generally how it works. It works like this: I buy from you and pay immediately and you leave me feedback reflecting a quick payment. And you get yours once the item(s) arrive in the condition listed in the auction. Not you wait and see if I leave you a good feedback first and hold mine hostage just in case. Been on eBay a long time, buyer and seller and I know how it works. So please leave mine soon.

technically, he's probably right. but there are all sorts of other things to consider. maybe we're not really done yet. maybe the cd doesn't play on his cd player. maybe the jewel case gets damaged in transit and the issue is whether i packed it properly. and maybe, just maybe, i don't give a flying fuck and will enter his goddamned feedback when i'm good and goddamned ready. of course i couldn't write that. but i was thinking it.

Dear dragonwheelz,

Yes, that IS the way it works. You're welcome to keep insisting otherwise, but that won't make it true, anymore than insisting that there IS a Santa Claus will put presents under the tree if Mommy and Daddy forget to buy them. I've never gotten feedback from anybody I bought things from BEFORE I left anything for them. So you'll get yours after I get mine.

that may just seem like an ordinary snide letter to you, but it turned out to be a wildly waving red cape for captain excitable.

Dear sellmeister,

I would suggest you not talk to me like a child again, you asshole! You obviously think you can make the rules up as you go along but you see that I have 100% positive feedback of 328 and what is yours 62? I think I have done this quite a few more times than you and I was once a seller and I have always left my good customers feedback right away! You are just a tool who thinks he is better than everyone and can just talk shit and be a prick and get away with it. I tell you this much, had you condescended to my face the way you did in an email and you'd be mending broken bones for the next 6-8 months! If I were you I'd just shut the hell up now!

"ooh, cower before my mighty feedback rating of 362 you peon!" what a wackadoodle. i wonder how exactly he came up with the "6-8 months" estimate on my hospitalization? does he have experience in medicine or insurance and thus know precisely the kind of beating which would lay me up for that time? or has he given beatings to other people who've condescended to him in the past and has 6-8 months been the median convalescence time for them? all fair questions in retrospect, but i didn't ask any of them in my response.

Dear dragonwheelz,

I'm not making anything up as I go along. You're just wrong and like most people you have a pretty serious problem accepting that. As for all the feedback you're so weirdly proud of, maybe it's proof that you're spending a little too much time here on Ebay. Have you forgotten your manners? Is there really a need for the sort of profanity you felt compelled to use? I'm a good Christian and take exception to that sort of thing. You'll note that I did not employ foul language in my messages to you in spite of the fact that you are completely wrong regarding how things work here and something of a boor as well! I may have to forward your nasty and upsetting letter to Ebay along with a formal complaint letting them know how nauseated I was after reading it. That should do wonders for your miraculous "100 percent positive" rating. How the heck did you even get that? I'm 100 percent positive that some kind of mistake has been made there. Now you settle down. Take a deep breath. And go sit in the "quiet corner" for a bit with the rest of the potty-mouthed CHILDREN.

i'd like to go the hospital for a while. longer than 6-8 months if possible. i figured if i laid the condescension on a little thicker, the beating would be that much more severe. there's got to be at least a year's hospitalization ahead after 'dragonwheelz' beats the living crap out of the jerk who wrote that letter. and the jerk is me!

Dear sellmeister,

Fuck you and fuck the feedback you dick! You talk big in an email. I don't let douchebags talk to me like that and you should be careful how you treat people because you say the wrong thing to the wrong guy and all of a sudden you have no teeth! You may well go fuck your holy rolling douche self!

well. i don't even know what to say to that. i was thinking he'd call me "smellmeister" or something. i certainly wasn't expecting an angry blizzard of "fucks" and even more threats of violence. he's right about one thing though: i talk big in emails. in real life, i'm a pussy.

Dear dragonwheelz,

Are you trying to tell me something? Does this mean I'm not invited over for the big 4th of July barbecue this year? Y'know, we'll laugh about this later. We'll be hanging out and you'll hand me a beer and say "Man, I called you a holy rolling douche! Can you believe that? If anybody fit that description it was me!" I'll laugh and reply "Yes, you are indeed a holy rolling douche. Whatever the heck that is." Then you'll pass out drunk after one beer (you never could hold your liquor) and I'll have sex with your wife. Again. Well, better me than those guys down at the truck-stop, right?

Enjoy your cd, friend!

i'm not proud of that. making jokes about screwing somebody else's wife is in the same zone as "accusing" somebody of being gay. it's low and childish. and i reiterate: i'm not proud of writing that. it is funny though. captain snappy answered in kind.

Dear sellmeister,

Well, I am not married but you need to tell you mother to dust her pussy off every once and a while! It was tight though! Plus when she pulls out her teeth, your mother gives great blowjobs! Besides, any woman I'd marry wouldn't fuck a retard like you and none of what you've said was clever in anyway so you can stop patting yourself on the back you bitch! I would love to see you face to face and watch you gulp hard when you see what a huge scary man you've made want to beat your stupid bitch ass!!!

curiously, i was patting myself on the back when that email came in! but that's 'cause i had just scored a bingo playing online scrabble. i love it when that happens. anyway, this letter does (sort of) answer the question i had about the 6-8 month hospitalization-after-beating issue. if he's a big scary man, it stands to reason that an ass-whipping delivered by him would likely be pretty damaging. i mean, he wouldn't lie about something like that, would he?

Dear dragonwheelz,

Clearly I am no match for your wit and wisdom. The spirit of William Shakespeare is alive and well and buying cds on Ebay! Good luck with the next great American play or novel, oh great one. After reading these remarkably witty letters it is clear to this instant fan that you most certainly have the magic touch. "Dust her p*ssy off every once in a while", INDEED! I am honored to be the recipient of such a well-crafted and thoughtful epistle, surely destined to end up in the Smithsonian! Strange that a charming and literate fellow such as yourself hasn't found worldwide acclaim for your brilliance! Must be that crazy mother of mine with her awful dusty old cooter, keeping you away from your scholarly and artistic pursuits! I'll tell her to put the false teeth back in and get along down to the local public restroom if she wants to suck random penises. Now, I don't want to monopolize too much of your time as I'm sure you've got any number of stimulating debates going on with hapless fools who began correspondence with you in the mistaken belief that you were rational. So put your tin-foil hat on, smear some more of your own (or somebody else's, if that's what you enjoy) feces across your face and go bother somebody else, you frigging nutbag.

there it ended. of course i did report him to the people at ebay. what can i say? he's a big scary man and i'm just a douche who talks big in emails. i hope they have cable tv at whatever hospital i spend the next couple of years recuperating in.